Everyone tells me I don’t deserve this shit. That I deserve better. I don’t deserve to feel like this, to be treated like this. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t need you, but I do.
I can never quite get everything out when I’m talking to you. I have this mental checklist of what I need to talk to you about, what I want you to do, how to make me feel better. I mean, when your girlfriend is seriously depressed and there’s all these reasons for it but she never says anything, don’t you think something might be up? That you might want to say, “Hey baby, talk to me, let me be the one you can come to & cry to without being judged.” I try to do that for you, but it never quite works. I know how girls want to be comforted, I am a girl, and I’ve had girl-girl relationships. I don’t know how to comfort a guy like you. I’m stumped. I try, I don’t know if you see it, but I do, really really hard. I don’t know if you notice or appriciate it, all the things that I do for you, all the things I’ve changed for you. There’s this part of me that wants to write you a list and shove it in your fucking face, and then you’ll realize & be taken aback. But your reaction like that will never happen. So I just keep it all locked up inside, and sometimes it spurts out a little and everything just turns out bad for me, because you think I’m holding it over your head.
I do things,expectinghoping for a certain reaction out of you. But I need to stop & realize that this isn’t a movie. The girl can’t change the guy, and she’ll never get what she wants or needs. She has to settle. Uhm, okay no, scratch that. I know plenty of girls whose relationships are like movies that never end. Her boyfriend says cutsie nice things to her to make her feel beautiful and respected and loved and all these other things I want to feel. He puts her first, before himself. He holds her when she’s crying and never says she’s stupid, even when she’s being an idiot. He doesn’t say “It’s all in your head!” because even if it is, he knows that it’s still real to her. The pain and the fears and the things that can’t be explained (like allergies). He notices when she’s upset and when she really needs him, and he’s there for her. When she loses someone or something that was meaningful to her, he has sympathy. He has sympathy for things he can’t understand because his girl is, well, a woman, and there’s just things that go one with women that men will never ever in the existance of time will ever understand. Face it, and deal with it.
He’d come to her for the comfort he doesn’t even realize he needs. He’ll do things for her and pamper her and tell her she’s beautiful. Guys, most of us know we’re beautiful, but we’re not going to say we are, because we’re humble. There’s a difference between “OMG!! I’m so ugly like yea?” (as they post millions of photos with their hair & makeup done in gorgeous clothes & they’re actually very pretty but want people to tell them they’re pretty), “I’m sexy, i know it, I flaunt it, and I’ll point out every flaw on everyone else to makemyself feel even more beautiful” (those are the ones you want to stay away from, because they’re conceited bitches), and “Yea I think I’m pretty but I don’t think I’m overly gorgeous. I’m not going to go out of my way to say or show how pretty I am, because I don’t need to. If someone compliments me, I’ll blush and thank them because I really don’t know how pretty I am. And when I find the one who means more than anything, he’ll tell me how beautiful I am, and maybe I’ll actually believe it, but I’m still going to be shy and blush and be humble because that’s just who I am.” There’s the attention seeker kind of beautiful, the beautiful bitch, and the humbled beautiful. I’m that last one, and I think you’re that ‘one’, and I honestly want you to remind me every now & then that I’m beautiful, especially when I don’t feel very beautiful. That’s just how we girls are.
But, again, my life, particularly, is not a movie. My ‘one’ is not going to make me feel like the lead-girl in some love story, even though I go out of my way to make him feel like a movie-star, tell him how much I appriciate everything he does, give him gifts even though I really can’t afford it. And even though he knows, I want him to accept it, even if it’s a crappy gift, and appriciate it. Because he loves me. He may not feel like I’m doing all that I do for him, because I’m still depressed. I still need him more than anything, and sometimes, lately more than ever, spills out & I screw myself over.
I’m human. I make mistakes. Sometimes I repeat those mistakes a few times. At least it’s not doing drugs, or cheating, or having unsafe sex, etc. My mistakes? Calling too much because I can’t talk to you most times when I do call and all I want is to have one good conversation where we’re both happy. Not leaving a message. Forgetting to login to a game one day when I have logged in for the last few months without a single mishap. Not knowing how to ask you if you’re okay, how to comfort you over the phone or a web-call. (Normally I’d wrap my arms around for a while, let you bury yourself in me, and then make you something to eat). My biggest mistake? Needing you. Needing things from you that you just won’t give me.
In case you ever read this, here’s a few lists for you. I doubt you will read this though, even if I have the courage enough to send you the link, you probably won’t go to it. Or you’ll see how long it is and metaphorically toss it in the trash.
The Things I Want/Need From You:
- Sympathy every now and then. When I’m going through girl stuff, when I’m going through stuff that’s “only in my head”, or things I can’t explain.
- Lots and Lots of love. It’s a semi-rare occasion I get it around here without seeking it out. I was hurt, badly, by people that held the title of my boyfriend, and I’m damaged. I understand that you are too, and I take that into account when you’re not so nice, and I try to be extra sympathetic, but I get tired too, ya know?
- I need you to show me that you need me. When I doubt us because of my own fears and insecurities and your lack of “My baby, my girl, my bunny”, just tell me.
- What’s wrong with showing the one person you should trust the most that you’re vulnerable? That’s why I don’t hide many things from you, why it’s hard for me to. Because I trust you, and you can see every part of me. That’s all I want from you. To show me that you’re human, that you have feelings too, that you feel for me just as much, if not more, as I feel for you.
The Things I’ve Done For You:
- Given up my personal dreams of standing on a stage, doing what I love & I’m good at (even if you don’t think so), and having millions of people around me that love what I’m doing. Ever since a was little I’ve wanted to be a famous singer, but I gave that up to sing to you and our beautiful children. A much better audience, in my opinion.
- Stopped talking to people that you don’t like. I used to be the guy’s girl. One of the guys, you know? I didn’t care to hang out with girls, and I still don’t. I get along much better with those of the male species. But I’ve stopped being around people I’m comfortable with so that you’ll be more comfortable. But you shouldn’t be so insecure that you want to cut me off from certain people. You’re my one and only, even if this “stand by” thing turns out that we’re over. You’re still going to be my first and last. There will be no other girlfriends/boyfriends after you. Not another kiss, not another touch, not another anything. You’re the only one. Maybe I should’ve put that in a seperate bullet.
- Stopped drinking and cutting. They weren’t good things to begin with, but you got me to stop. So, yeah.
- I’m graduating a year early, babe. When I was behind at the beginning of the year. I’m giving up my social life to go to college full time and do extra classes and get a job on top of that. I’m doing this all for you, when I had so many senior plans. I’m giving that up for you.
- I’ve become this submissive type of thing. Not quite where you want me to be, but a hell of a lot more than I ever was before. Open your eyes and realize that.
- I came over, did your dishes, cleaned your house, showed you how much I wasn’t going to give up on you. I walked to your house every morning, was there by 5am. If that doesn’t show some female dedication, I don’t know what does.
- I did some things that I’m not really going to state, because they were kind of beneficial for us both (more you than me, though).
There’s more, but honestly, I’m really, really tired right now.
I’ve been so depressed. All I want to do is eat, sleep, and talk to you. But talking to you usually does the opposite of cheering me up. Hense, usually. There are those rare times when you make me so so happy that it’s hard to contain. But I’m sad, and I want to cry all the time. I’m gaining weight, and it seems it’s only wanting to settle in my stomach area. I would be so much happier, have so much more self-esteem, and actually be happy with no doubts when you buy things for me if I could just get rid of this effing weight. There’s no reason for it. I’m not eating more, in fact I’m eating healthier. I’m excersising (even though I just want to sleep & do nothing). I’m so irritable, too. It’s like one second I’m normal & the next I just want to scream, & then I want to sleep again. Little things are bothering me that used to be just, whatever to me. And for some reason, I need you so much more, which is only pissing you off, and then I get more depressed. All the little things that I would need from you but I could overlook for a while, suddenly I’ve become desperate for. It used to be fine, and now it’s not. And I cry over stupid things. Little things. Mainly it’s when we hang up, even if we’ve just had the most amazing conversation ever. What is going on with me? With us?